A few months ago, God confirmed that it was time for me to focus on myself. I thought I accepted His confirmation when I convinced myself I was looking forward to this journey. But not even a few weeks in, I found myself being forced to face things I wasn’t ready to face. I had to accept losing people who were close to me, I had to accept spending more time alone, I had to come to terms with some insecurities of mine, and I’ve had to learn how to become more emotionally independent. Although I knew that being in this space could benefit me, to be honest it’s been really hard to deal with. So instead of embracing change, I chose to distract myself instead. I’ve distracted myself with other people, social media, going out and turning up, laziness, sleep, and basically anything that kept me from actually dealing with being in a hard space. For the most part, I enjoyed being distracted; it was fun. However, I say “for the most part” because it would be the other times when people weren’t available, I was no longer drunk, or I couldn’t fall asleep, that my feelings would consume me and I would feel stuck and defeated.
Earlier this month, one of my devotional readings really spoke to me. It said that “sometimes God will back you into a corner and remove all your alternatives to show you His miracle-working power. If God’s Word is all you have to go on, you’re about to receive a miracle. If you have faith in His Word, God will take what seems impossible and accomplish it.“ I think this opened my mind and heart because it explained how I feel: backed into a corner and striped of my alternatives. I like knowing that because of where I am God is preparing me to receive a miracle. But what really kept me thinking is “if you have faith..“. Reading this part, triggered thoughts in my head like: What does it mean to have faith? Do I have faith? But what about this and what about that?
It’s funny how God works because even in the midst of me ignoring Him, doubting Him, and choosing others over Him, He still hasn’t failed to show Himself to me. Since I graduated with my Bachelor’s Degree three years ago, I have been praying, crying, worrying and working my butt off to move forward within my field. I wanted so badly to get into grad school, even applied once before and was denied. But, long story short, God encouraged me to re-apply and this time I was accepted and granted scholarship money that initially I was told I was not eligible for! When I shared this with one of my friends, she reminded me that God has a plan for me and that I need to start trusting Him more. This is exactly what I needed to hear! God came through right on time. Not only was this the answer to my prayers, but this filled me with the hope I need to make it through my current storm.
God’s faithfulness during this time gave me an understanding about what it means to have faith. I’m learning that I have to look past what I see now and look forward to what God has coming. I have to let go of how I believe my life should go and follow the plan that God has set for me. I have to believe that when I pray God hears me even if He doesn’t respond right away. I have to trust that God’s timing is better than my own. I have to surrender my worry, doubt, and fear unto Him and allow Him to work on my behalf. I have to communicate with God on a regular and consistent basis. Most importantly, I am learning to allow myself to be vulnerable with God so that He may use this space to draw me closer to Him. This is definitely going to be a process for me but I am happy to be learning how to trust in God.