Heavy topic. Yeah, I know. It’s extremely heavy for me because I’m still living with the scars that I got three years ago. But let’s talk about it! Writing is therapy for me so here it goes…
So if you know me personally or have read any of my past blog posts, you are probably aware that my last relationship was pretty toxic and left me with some ugly scars. This post isn’t mean to bash my ex, but simply to share my experiences with women who are struggling.
Let’s rewind about three years to the exact date…lol I was living in Atlanta and embarking on a life journey that I thought would end in romance, wedding bells, and a happily ever after. Boy was I wrong. After some personal issues arose with my then boyfriend, I started seeing a different side of him. There were some red flags before then, but when his behavior changed dramatically all I could see was flashing neon lights saying “Caution.” But did I listen? Of course not. Like a typical 21-year-old who thought she was in love and was going to spend the rest of her life with this man, I decided to stick it out. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone right? WRONG.
The verbal abuse started very subtle. So subtle that I kept asking myself if I was tripping. He would throw little jabs here and there. Insult my comprehension skills or intelligence or he would show me other women and tell me why they were beautiful. I took the small punches like a champ. I thought that he was just frustrated and it would blow over, but nope! The more time went on, the meaner he got. Not only was he throwing bigger jabs, but he would also make me feel guilty for stuff HE did. He would flip everything on me and now I’m the one crying and feeling like crap. A master manipulator he was. I remember one time I was leaving the house to go to an Atlanta fashion week event, and as I walked to my car I saw him pulling up from a long day doing landscaping with his father. I stopped and waved and he rolled his window down. Didn’t greet me or anything. All he said was “Why are you dressed like that? You trying to get another n*gga?” So I said “What are you talking about? I told you I’m going to an event with my friend.” He drove off and I got in my car. Why didn’t I just leave that night? I’m not sure but everything happens for a reason.
Fast forward about three days and I found out that he was sexting another woman. It honestly was probably more than one. I never felt secure in that relationship. We spent more time arguing about other females than enjoying each other. He always put other women who were his so called “friends” before me. If they needed something he was there in a hurry, but if I needed something I was a burden. I was sinking into a deep depression and I didn’t even know it until I read my diary from that time. I was unhappy, skinny, thin nails. I wanted to get out but I didn’t know how. I was trying to stick it out because we had already planned out the future. I was going to have all his babies and we were going to have the perfect life. But God had the perfect escape plan for me. Yes it crushed me to the core. I’ve NEVER felt pain like that before and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I mean who wants to feel betrayed? I did everything for him and he spit it back in my face. However, that needed to happen in order for me to fulfill the destiny God had created me to live out.
After leaving the relationship, I was depressed and suicidal for a few months, but I just kept getting closer and closer to God. I leaned entirely on him during the process. It was my only option. Now it’s three years later and I’m in a whole different space. I’m accomplishing things that I never would have imagined. I’m immensely blessed, but just because I have forgiven my ex, doesn’t mean that the scars still don’t linger. The trauma from not only being cheated on but also being verbally/emotionally abused has caused me to be a different person emotionally. Before, I was super trusting of men, but now I’m a little jaded. Not in a sense of being bitter because I prayed to be delivered from that, but in a sense of being fearful to fully trust and love again. I’m the queen of overthinking, and it’s difficult for me to actually develop feelings for a man now. Almost everyone I meet automatically goes into the “friend zone.” If I catch feelings it’s like I become mute and can’t verbalize it. Sometimes I feel emotionally broken. Like a switch inside has a shortage or something. It’s like when my feelings start to bubble up to the surface, a light starts to flicker and shuts the whole thing down. Anyone in the same boat?
I just think it’s going to take a man that exudes the light of God to tear down those walls and make those scars fully vanish. God loves me like no man ever has and until a man can practice a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love on me, I’m good. Most importantly I desire unconditional love. I watch a show called Married at First Sight and one of the cast members named Sheila said that she’s never been loved unconditionally. She said that it’s always been a conditional type love. The type of love that a man is willing and ready to love you when things are great and easy, but on the days you’re difficult to love, he’s ready to throw in the towel. I’ve always loved the good, bad, and ugly in people, so some reciprocity is what I need in a husband!
What do you desire in your husband? How do you deal with trauma from past relationships? I want to hear your thoughts!