Part of becoming a woman is discovering exactly who you are. This is a journey… not necessarily a destination. It takes time. It’s trial and error. It can be a difficult task especially if you didn’t have role models growing up. Thank God I had an amazing example of a woman in my life. My mom showed me the multidimensional view of womanhood. She showed me the great parts about being a woman, and she also gave me an inside view to her uncut, raw, flawed side. I appreciate that because as women a lot of times we feel pressured to have it together 24/7, but issa lie sis. We will miss the mark plenty of times, and that’s just the nature of the job. To me there is strength in every part of a woman. Even in the parts we don’t want anyone to see.
So where am I going with this? I’m going to talk about my own journey of self-discovery. At only 24 I would say that I have a pretty good grasp on who I am. Now I know I just did a post about the struggles of adulting, but if we separate life’s tasks from who I am, I know that I am sure of myself. Like anyone else, I have doubts at moments, but that’s literally like 10 percent of the time. Yes, sometimes I don’t like what I see in the mirror, and yes I doubt myself as a whole, but once those temporary emotions pass, I’m super proud of who I am becoming inside and out. This is extremely important to me because there was a time when I had completely lost who I was. I had absolutely no clue who Jessica was. I had spent so much time in my late teens and early twenties finding my identity through relationships. If I was good enough to be so and so’s girl, then I was amazing, but if he cheated on me, that somehow made me unloveable and less than a woman. I was so screwed up.
Relationships made me feel great. I loved the “stability” and the companionship. I constantly jumped from relationship to relationship and situationship to situationship thinking that it would somehow complete me. From age 16 to 21, I was wrapped up in the webs of unhealthy relationships, but for me it was a part of my identity. I was a “relationship type” girl. But honey let me tell you that you don’t NEED to be in a relationship. I didn’t understand this until I understood my identity in Christ and my rightful place in the body of Christ. I had to remove myself from romantic relationships for good. At 21, I promised myself and God that I would find myself before I even thought about another relationship. In my opinion, it’s almost impossible to completely find yourself if you’re constantly distracted by a man. A lot of times in relationships women lose themselves because their man’s needs become more important than their own, and then all of a sudden you can’t even recognize who you are anymore and what makes you happy. I’m not saying that relationships are bad. But I am saying that if your identity is wrapped into your relationship and if you don’t know yourself as a woman before bringing someone else into your life, everything can end up being erased.
Throughout the past three years I have really gotten to know myself inside and out. I know the most delightful things about myself and I know the not so good stuff about myself. I know exactly what I will and won’t accept from men (this is key! many people will call you picky for this.) How can you expect to flourish in relationships and you don’t even know yourself or boundaries you have created? The answer is you won’t! You’ll constantly be trampled on and end up bending the rules because you want to satisfy the man in your life.
How did I do it? Simple. I’m dating myself. I’m free from distraction. I journal, talk to God about my desires, pray, and just live life daily to discover new things about myself. I encourage myself with the word of God. I tell myself that I am more than I conquer… that I am made in His image… that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. All of these things help me see the full view of who I am as a woman. God thinks I’m amazing, so I don’t need another man to affirm me.
Announcement: Queens! If you’re looking for a relatable guide to heal from hurtful relationships, I got you! I’m working on a VERY special project right now. I can’t release the details just yet, but you will hear all about it within the next few months!