I’ve actually been getting this question a lot lately, so I’ve decided to come up with a list of PRACTICAL things you can do to break the cycle. Let me just say that the church has totally jacked up the conversation of sex. I’m not pointing the finger at every church, but as a whole, we have to do better! This new generation of young people need us more than ever. Even if you don’t believe in God or “organized religion,” these tips can still help you stay on the straight and narrow.
- First you have to make the choice to go through with abstaining from sex. Life is comprised of choices. If you are tired of being distracted by sex, played, lied to, cheated on, or if you want to honor God with your body, you have to choose to take sex off the table and be serious about it.
- Realize that sex is not bad, evil, gross, etc. This is where the church gets it wrong. They tell young people that sex is bad and that they just shouldn’t do it, but what happens when your hormones are telling you to do one thing, but your pastor is telling you another? Most times you fall into temptation. The truth is that sex is not bad or evil. Sex was created by God. However, it was created for marriage because of how powerful it is and the bonds and soul ties it creates. Your sexual desires were put in you by God, not Satan. But Satan will use that to tempt you.
- Create boundaries BEFORE you start dating someone. It’s much easier to live by the boundaries you have put in place if they were created before you fall for someone. If you know that kissing turns you on, don’t kiss. If “chilling” alone will put you in the mood, hang out in public settings. You know your own triggers. Boundaries are great so that you don’t end up making a mistake. Your flesh will be weak. Your flesh wants sex, especially if you know what it feels like.
- Put your focus into other things. Take up a hobby, work on a project, join a new gym, etc. If you are kept busy, you won’t have time to think about sex. Remember an idle mind is a devil’s playground. The times when those strong sexual desires come upon me are usually when I’m just at home chilling.
- Pray, read your Word, meditate, repeat…. This is KEY! Prayer really does help. God will give you strength in those times when you feel weak. Reading your Word is important as well because if you know the scriptures, you can quote them aloud when you are struggling with your purity. If you don’t believe in God, try Yoga and meditation to clear your mind.
- Get accountability. Find a mentor, friend, etc. who is on the same page of purity with you. She can encourage you and be there in those moments when you are about to slip up. This is one of the most important things to do because a lot of times when we don’t have accountability, we feel like no one is watching and we can secretly fall back into our old ways without anyone knowing. LIES! God sees all.
- Stop entertaining fools! Stop calling Tyrone if you know all he wants is the sex. You’re just asking for trouble. Cut off all the guys you were sexually involved with. Block them, unfollow them. Do whatever you have to do to start a clean slate.
- Guard your heart. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23. For me, guarding my heart is being intentional about what I’m watching and listening to. I can’t listen to songs with sexual innuendos, and I can’t really watch sex scenes in movies/TV shows. I know the kind of mood that puts me in so I try to avoid it. I’m not saying you can’t listen to any music or watch any shows, but just know that all of those things carry spirits.
- Unfollow men that make you struggle. If you’re following men who only post shirtless pics or pics wearing gray sweatpants, stop it right now sis. That lust is probably bubbling over. How can you stay pure physically if your mind is cluttered with sexual fantasies?
- Give up masturbation. Yeah I know tons of y’all won’t like this one, but masturbation stirs up sexual desire. Just because you aren’t having sex with a man, doesn’t mean that you won’t think about it even more because you’re still performing sexual acts. I also don’t condone masturbation because I believe it can cause a wedge between a husband and wife. I would never want to become so pleased with myself that I feel like my husband can do nothing for me or I feel like I have to follow-up after him.
- Yes, oral sex is still sex. Stop telling folks you’re abstinent or celibate but you’re still giving and/or receiving oral sex. You are not pure. Just because you are not being penetrated, doesn’t mean anything. You are still giving your body to someone who is not your husband. And even if you don’t believe in waiting til marriage, you’re still giving your body to someone who can end up cheating on you or leaving you.
- Pick up some books like “The Wait,” “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” “Sex, Dating and Relationships.”
What are the benefits to taking sex off the table? There are plenty! Personally, I am the happiest and most focused I’ve ever been in my 24 years of life. Instead of worrying about why he didn’t text me back or if I was the best he ever had, I’m worrying about kingdom business. I am the point in my life where I don’t have time for games. I want the next person I am involved with to be my husband. I’m fed up with giving my all to someone and getting my heart broken in return. My body is for my husband only, and I’m going to keep it that way until the day we make that covenant before God. And then literally all of the people I know and have seen wait til marriage have a special anointing and blessing on their marriages. I’m not saying they’re perfect, but the fruit of their hard labor is definitely more evident. One last thing… God is not trying to be mean by telling us not to have sex before marriage. He just knew that if we didn’t wait the consequences could really ruin us (soul ties, unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, etc.)