When God Writes Your Love Story

Queens!

It’s been awhile. I apologize for the lack of content posted here on the blog, as well as on our social media accounts. Life has been pretty busy, but our web series, The C-Word is doing amazing things. However, with all of that being said, today’s post has nothing to do with being busy. Today I want to talk about how God has been orchestrating my love story over the past few months.

As many of you know, I have been single for a little over three and a half years. At the beginning of my singleness I despised men, then God began healing my heart and I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. After year two, I was content with my season, but when year three rolled around, I started to ask God when he was going to show up for me. The desire for marriage and children grew exponentially with no potential suitor. I trusted God, but I didn’t quite trust his timing as I mentioned a few months ago.  Then for a few months I met some people, but they all ended up wasting my time. I always pray the same prayer when I meet a man that is interested in me. You should try it too. Works like a charm. “God, if this is not the man you have for me, show me his character.” Like clockwork the man’s true motives/intentions or deal breakers are revealed. In reality, I didn’t waste much time, because once I pray that prayer, God shows up in about three days.

Anyways, I was becoming exhausted with this back and forth cycle. Why were all these counterfeits being sent my way? Maybe it was a test that I finally passed. So let’s rewind to about a month ago… I wasn’t expecting ANYTHING. I was so over the counterfeits that I was focusing on the new chapter of life that was about to begin. I was about to move into a new place that is 10 minutes away from my job and I would have a roommate to keep me company. I had fallen into a depression while living alone, so I was excited to start fresh.

On March 12, here comes the love of my life and I had no clue he was coming. I won’t go into details about how we met because we are starting a YouTube channel, but God sent him and I am so blessed. He is literally EVERYTHING I prayed for and most importantly, he decided to join me on my celibacy journey. He’s affectionate, romantic, a great communicator, open and honest, loves God, can cook, and he’s handsome. God sent me someone above and beyond my expectations and I knew that he would because I waited for Him. As difficult as it was to hand over the pen to God, I did because I knew his pick would be better than mine. Y’all know I struggled for the past year and a half to trust God and keep the course. It’s been rough for ya girl, but God showed up for me and He will show up for you too!

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Photo courtesy of Buzzfeed

 

If you are in the season where you are questioning God and his timing, I encourage you to be still and know that He is God. He knows exactly when you and your future spouse are ready to begin your love story. That desire for companionship comes from God and he will make sure that comes to pass. Focus on preparing to be a wife because you are one before the title; and also focus on YOU. This is the last time that you will have your full independence. A husband and children will rely on you for the rest of your life and you will have to consider other people in all your decisions. So enjoy your singleness to the fullest! It is not a curse.

I suggest reading “When God Writes Your Love Story.” It will change your life. It certainly changed mine.

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The Power of Discernment

Happy Wednesday Queens!

How is your month going so far? I hope it has been filled with joy and happiness! Today I want to talk about discernment. I touched on this topic a few months ago and also in my eBook (click here to purchase), but I want to expand upon my thoughts.

So first, what is discernment? Well according to good ol Google, discernment is perception in the absence of judgment with a view to obtaining spiritual direction and understanding. Still confused? Basically, it means that you have the ability to judge well. So for example, you might be able to read people as soon as you meet them. For the most part, I have this ability. The Holy Spirit will tell me certain things upon meeting new people so I know whether or not to do business with them or allow them into my life.

Discernment is a gift that can save you from wasted time and regrets. Trust me. Just recently my discernment kicked in and it saved me from expectations that were not reached. When you are in tune with the Holy Spirit, God will tell you everything you want to know and even the tough pills that are hard to swallow. In the recent situation, a young man revealed that he was interested in me. In the past, I would’ve jumped higher than Michael Jordan in Space Jam, but this time I was still and quiet so I could hear God’s voice. At this point in my life, I’d rather be alone than to entertain someone who is not God-sent. I prayed everyday for about three days that God would reveal the character of the man or present something obvious to show me that he wasn’t the one, and BOOM there it was in less than a week. I was thinking, “Dang God, you’re quick!” And I was extremely thankful that I didn’t waste my time. It’s not that the man is a horrible person, he’s just not who God has called me to be with, and it was made completely clear when he stopped responding to my text messages. I don’t beg any man for attention or validation, and neither should you. We are Queens and should be treated as such.

But Jess how can I become more discerning? It’s simple. Ask God for the gift. But you have to be willing to accept what comes along with it as well. God will keep it a stack with you and he won’t spare your feelings. So if you’re not ready to give up that man you love, those friends you cannot live without, or that business opportunity that will give you all the benjamins, don’t ask for the gift. I will also say that you must be intentional about your relationship with God. You can’t receive the gift of discernment if your mind is always cluttered and distracted. Pray regularly, read your word, journal, go to church. Really build a true relationship with God, because you won’t be able to decipher God’s voice from Satan’s.

The Struggle of Being Wife Material

Queens!

The transparency I’ve shown throughout the last few blog posts has definitely been therapy for me, so here I am with another area of life that I personally struggle with.

For as long as I can remember, I have been seen as wife material. But at the same time I’ve lowkey despised that boys/men put me into the category. Yes, it’s a great compliment, but that also means that you’re put on the back burner until your husband finds you. I’ve had so many guys tell me that I’m a wife and that they weren’t ready for what I require and those words made me both smile and want to throw some air punches like Tre in Boyz n the Hood.

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Hence the reason why I’ve only had a few boyfriends. No one ever seems to be ready to be with the wife and it frustrates me. I appreciate the honesty, but I’ve always felt like everyone had somebody, but me. Satan would whisper things in my ear like “You might as well get loose because the hoes are winning out here sis.” But that wasn’t me. I couldn’t put on the facade, but I wanted to. Trust me.

I mean look at entertainment’s infamous women. No shade to them at all, but they always have a man, and a lot of times they are approached by good men. Meanwhile women who are abstaining from sex and do not promote their twerking skills online can’t even get a text back. Society is so backwards and it kills me.

Also, let’s be real. A lot of men are simply just intimidated by women who have their stuff together. If you’re an independent woman, men feel like they’re not needed, so they probably won’t approach you. This is also annoying because independent women want to be held too. And a lot of us could care less about how much you make if your character is amazing. I would rather be with a man that makes less than me but treats me like a queen and loves the Lord, than a wealthy man that is selfish and is not submitted to God.

The solution of this problem is to continue to be who God had called you to be no matter how rough it makes your dating life. Stay committed to it, and when God sees fit, you’ll meet your match. It’s hard and I know first-hand. Everyone seems threatened and scared of me, but it’s all good and I will not settle for less. Here are a few tips that help me through the struggle.

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Photo courtesy of Izzy & Liv’s

  1. Realize that being alone is a blessing– Singleness is a time of self-exploration. You really get to learn yourself and you can work on becoming whole with God at the center. It is also the time where you’ll have the least amount of responsibility. No husband, no kids, etc. You can come and go as you please. Be thankful for that because it won’t always be this way.
  2. Trust the process– Compromising your moral compass is never a good look. The process of being obedient does warrant blessings. Continue to think and act like a wife because you are a wife before you actually become one. Trust that God knows when you and your future husband are ready to write your love story.
  3. Rejection is God’s protection– If they are intimidated or just won’t date you because you aren’t handing out the goods, let them go! God is protecting you from a man that has no business being in your life. He can exit stage left. If he’s meant to be in your life, he will pursue you the right way.
  4. Good girls finish last (first)– It may seem like everyone who ran through the whole football team is getting married and starting beautiful families, but you don’t know the story behind the pictures. Their relationship might not be as perfect as it seems. And even if it is, so what? What God has for YOU is for YOU. Their portion is NOT yours. So just because it might seem like you’re finishing last, you’re actually winning the race by staying true to yourself.

Do you feel like you’re finishing last in the race with other women? How will you overcome those feelings?

Accountability Partners

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Photo courtesy of Essence

Queen to Queen let’s talk about accountability partners. First, do you know what an accountabilty partner is? If not, I got you! An accountability partner is exactly what it sounds like. It’s a person or people that hold you accountable for your actions. They are people you can go to when you need prayer or need to vent. They are the people to help you stay on track when you’re ready to throw in the towel.

Now I know most of the time we hear this term it’s in regard to living a celibate lifestyle, but accountability partners can also be there to push you to reach career, financial, and life goals in general. Do you have one? You might want one, because let’s be real, staying committed to a task and goals can be challenging. Honestly, I consider all my friends to be accountabilty partners that keep me going in different ways. All of them push me to keep going when times get rough, but I only have a select few that I go to about lustful struggles. Not all of my friends are celibate so I only go to the ones that are when I struggle with going on two and a half years of absolutely no sex. Not even a kiss LOL.

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Gif courtesy of Gfycat

It’s rough in these streets and quite honestly, there are some days I just want to ride like a 10-speed bike if you catch my drift.

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Gif courtesy of Giphy

Those are the times I hit up my celibate girls and ask them to pray for me. No shade but the ones who aren’t living the same lifestyle cannot offer me any advice because they can’t relate. This is why it’s so important to analyze your circle closely. Are these women a positive influence in your life? Are they separating you from God or pulling you close to Him? Do they give you sound or detrimental advice? Really think about that.

I’m not saying that your friends have to be perfect, but there has to be commonality. If you are trying to lead a celibate lifestyle, it wouldn’t be smart to only hang around women who party, drink, and have tons of sex. It just doesn’t make sense. You might not follow suit, but you’ll definitely be even more tempted. Also, it just makes you look gulity by association. If you are a woman after God’s heart, hang around like-minded women that can build you up.

Your circle is a representation of you and is the closest thing to you so why would you hang around trash? No, I don’t agree with every single thing my friends do or say, but at the source, they are amazing people who have genuine hearts and are always there for me. They also ALL have goals. I don’t hang with bums. All my girls are intelligent, educated, and just all-around good people. You should feel the same about your squad. If your friends can’t check you when you’re wrong, you’re hanging with yes women. Just like our parents want what’s best for us, our friends should too. And when we’re slacking or trippin, there should be an openess between you.

The main point is to choose accountability partners that are actually going to hold you accountable no matter what area in life you need a little extra push in. If you struggle with money management, find a friend or colleague that you trust to help you budget, save, and frequently checks on your progress. You don’t have to do everything on your own. We all need help!

Do you have an accountabilty partner? If so, what do they hold you accountable for?

Wash n Go Cheat Code

Hey Ladies!

I’ve been natural for almost 7 years *gasp*! I can’t believe it’s been this long honestly. It seems like just yesterday I was a broke college student that attended a PWI and decided to go natural because of the lack of black salons in my college city. I didn’t do it because of the “trend.” In fact, I went natural before it was a THING. All my friends and family were looking at me like I was crazy. I barely did any research before I made my decision. I just knew that I was tired of waiting like three months in between relaxer touch-ups. I needed my creamy crack every 6 weeks honey, but that wasn’t an option so I said hey, maybe I’ll just stop getting relaxers. Problem solved! Was the problem really solved? Yes and no. Yes, I didn’t have to worry about touch-ups, but no because my broke tail was spending more money on finding my “staple products.”

My TWA was poppin and I loved wash and go’s, but this was before I really new what texture my natural hair was. For me at least I couldn’t really get a grasp on my curl pattern until after my hair had grown out of the awkward stage between TWA and hair long enough to actually style. Back when I had the TWA (teeny weeny afro), all I did was wet my hair every morning and use some leave-in. That was the easiest part of my journey. But as my hair continued to grow, I elevated my game to Ecostyler gel to try to define my “curls.” I had absolutely NO clue what I was doing, but it was so low maintenance.

Fast forward to about two years into being natural and I wanted to try a wash n go again. I remembered how bomb and easy it was for me, so I thought the process would be the same. Boy was I wrong. My hair experienced EXTREME shrinkage and my hair had become super dense and THICK! Like a typical naturalista, I don’t like to hair type, but FYI I am probably 4a (from the front of my head to the middle) and 4b (from the middle to back of my hair). My “kitchen” is also 4a. Weird I know lol. My hair literally goes from pretty loose curls to tightly coiled hair. I’m perfectly fine with it, but it makes a wash n go nearly impossible to achieve. When wet it looks good, but once it dries, it looks like a matted up mess. How come I couldn’t get this wash n go right? I was frustrated because I wanted something quick and easy, especially for the summer months, but my hair WAS NOT rocking. I’ve tried different methods, gels, etc. and nothing has worked UNTIL now! 6 and a half years after my bomb wash n go’s and I’ve found what works for my texture. FINALLY!

With my texture I have to cheat the system. I can’t just apply products to my wet hair and then diffuse it like the 3c chicks (no shade at all!). I had to find the scenic route and that is using practically dry hair. Yes, dry hair. Hear me out… So I found a few videos on YouTube, but I formulated the idea in my head before I even saw the videos. I noticed how my hair looked when gel hit it in a stretched and “dry” state, so I figured I would try it.

Instructions:

  1. Thoroughly wash and (deep) condition your hair.
  2. Use a heat cap or steam device like the Q-Redew with deep conditioner in your hair.
  3. Detangle
  4. Rinse deep conditioner.
  5. Apply leave-in .
  6. Stretch your wet/damp hair with any method. I use banding.
  7. The next day apply oil to your scalp and take out bands.
  8. VERY lightly dampen your hair with water (spray bottle)
  9. Section by section generously apply Ecostyler Black Castor and Flaxseed Gel (only gel that works for my wash n go) root to tip. Shingle, comb through with fingers, etc.
  10. When you’re done, apply oil to your hair, especially the ends. You don’t want your hair to dry hard.
  11. Use blow dryer or diffuser to “dry” hair about 75% and then let the rest air dry.
  12. (optional) if you don’t want to apply heat, let your hair air dry but put your hair in ponytails or mini buns to keep the hair stretched.
  13. Even bigger cheat code is you can do this on already stretched hair. So if you’re tired of your twist or braid out, just add some gel and your curls will POP!

This method has not only given me the best defined wash n’ go, but also the most stretched. My hair normally shrinks about 50% it’s length when I do wash n go’s on wet hair, but with this method my hair shrinks probably about 25% to 30%. Not bad right? Your hair will continue to get bigger as the days go on and since the gel has great hold you won’t really need to re-apply.

Watch this video for a visual.

Here are my results!