Two Years Celibate!

Hey Queens!

It’s been awhile. I hope you have been living your best life, reclaiming your time, and enjoying your summer! I have been so busy that I couldn’t even fit in the time to blog, but I’m back to celebrate a huge milestone. I have been celibate for TWO years! *cues applause and music*Image result for happy gif

Yes, TWO longggggggg years LOL. It honestly feels like about five years, but I am extremely excited and proud of myself thus far. However, none of the credit goes to me because it has been nothing but God’s grace that has kept me on track. If it wasn’t for God, I know I would’ve had some slip-ups.

My mind, body and soul feel pure and refreshed. I never felt this way when I was having sex. I felt dirty and lowkey ashamed to step foot into church because I knew I was living in sin. I’m more focused on my aspirations than the next time I’m going to get my fix of sexual pleasure. This journey has truly been a blessing. It has not been easy by far, but it has been SO worth it! Just to keep it real, this has been probably the hardest thing to do other than writing, producing and directing my own web series. This journey has been challenging. I mean think of it like a super restrictive diet. It’s like I went from eating whatever I wanted to drastically only eating fruits and vegetables. My body was in shock! My flesh had been fed whenever it desired to be fed, so to completely dominate it was a tricky task.

It definitely took some practice, but I was determined to make a complete lifestyle change. I was tired of giving my body to men who always ended up hurting me. Beyond that, I wanted to make my body a living sacrifice. I can’t call myself a follower of Christ if I pick and chose when I want to obey. I think the thought of knowing that this isn’t permanent is what keeps me going. I know God is proud of me and he might even reward me with an amazing husband one day. But even if there isn’t an incentive, I just feel so much better living this life of celibacy. I no longer waste my time dealing with trash guys because they’re weeded out from the beginning. I also no longer deal with destructive soul ties.

I literally pray for endurance everyday because this journey feels long. Sometimes I feel like giving up and getting me some sex, but what is that going to cure? It’s only going to fuel my flesh in the moment, and then I’ll be left feeling guilty and ashamed. It’s totally not worth it. I will admit that Satan attacks my mind more since he knows that he physically can’t get me. Plus, seeds are planted in our hearts and minds first before we act out physically. He tries his best to make me lust after men, but for the most part he hasn’t succeeded. However, when those lustful thoughts and feelings arise, I open my Bible, pray, and if the desire is really strong, I fast.

So to all the sistas out there that believe you NEED sex… you’re wrong. I’m flourishing hunty and you can too! Don’t let the world discourage you because you are doing things differently. I’ve never been a follower, and I don’t plan on changing that at age 24. Keep the faith and keep pushing if you are also celibate! It’s temporary. Romans 8:18.

XO, Jess

I Want To Stop Having Sex, But How?

Queens!

I’ve actually been getting this question a lot lately, so I’ve decided to come up with a list of PRACTICAL things you can do to break the cycle. Let me just say that the church has totally jacked up the conversation of sex. I’m not pointing the finger at every church, but as a whole, we have to do better! This new generation of young people need us more than ever. Even if you don’t believe in God or “organized religion,” these tips can still help you stay on the straight and narrow.

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  1. First you have to make the choice to go through with abstaining from sex. Life is comprised of choices. If you are tired of being distracted by sex, played, lied to, cheated on, or if you want to honor God with your body, you have to choose to take sex off the table and be serious about it.
  2. Realize that sex is not bad, evil, gross, etc. This is where the church gets it wrong. They tell young people that sex is bad and that they just shouldn’t do it, but what happens when your hormones are telling you to do one thing, but your pastor is telling you another? Most times you fall into temptation. The truth is that sex is not bad or evil. Sex was created by God. However, it was created for marriage because of how powerful it is and the bonds and soul ties it creates. Your sexual desires were put in you by God, not Satan. But Satan will use that to tempt you.
  3. Create boundaries BEFORE you start dating someone. It’s much easier to live by the boundaries you have put in place if they were created before you fall for someone. If you know that kissing turns you on, don’t kiss. If “chilling” alone will put you in the mood, hang out in public settings. You know your own triggers. Boundaries are great so that you don’t end up making a mistake. Your flesh will be weak. Your flesh wants sex, especially if you know what it feels like.
  4. Put your focus into other things. Take up a hobby, work on a project, join a new gym, etc. If you are kept busy, you won’t have time to think about sex. Remember an idle mind is a devil’s playground. The times when those strong sexual desires come upon me are usually when I’m just at home chilling.
  5. Pray, read your Word, meditate, repeat…. This is KEY! Prayer really does help. God will give you strength in those times when you feel weak. Reading your Word is important as well because if you know the scriptures, you can quote them aloud when you are struggling with your purity. If you don’t believe in God, try Yoga and meditation to clear your mind.
  6. Get accountability. Find a mentor, friend, etc. who is on the same page of purity with you. She can encourage you and be there in those moments when you are about to slip up. This is one of the most important things to do because a lot of times when we don’t have accountability, we feel like no one is watching and we can secretly fall back into our old ways without anyone knowing. LIES! God sees all.
  7. Stop entertaining fools! Stop calling Tyrone if you know all he wants is the sex. You’re just asking for trouble. Cut off all the guys you were sexually involved with. Block them, unfollow them. Do whatever you have to do to start a clean slate.
  8. Guard your heart. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23. For me, guarding my heart is being intentional about what I’m watching and listening to. I can’t listen to songs with sexual innuendos, and I can’t really watch sex scenes in movies/TV shows. I know the kind of mood that puts me in so I try to avoid it. I’m not saying you can’t listen to any music or watch any shows, but just know that all of those things carry spirits.
  9. Unfollow men that make you struggle. If you’re following men who only post shirtless pics or pics wearing gray sweatpants, stop it right now sis. That lust is probably bubbling over. How can you stay pure physically if your mind is cluttered with sexual fantasies?
  10. Give up masturbation. Yeah I know tons of y’all won’t like this one, but masturbation stirs up sexual desire. Just because you aren’t having sex with a man, doesn’t mean that you won’t think about it even more because you’re still performing sexual acts. I also don’t condone masturbation because I believe it can cause a wedge between a husband and wife. I would never want to become so pleased with myself that I feel like my husband can do nothing for me or I feel like I have to follow-up after him.
  11. Yes, oral sex is still sex. Stop telling folks you’re abstinent or celibate but you’re still giving and/or receiving oral sex. You are not pure. Just because you are not being penetrated, doesn’t mean anything. You are still giving your body to someone who is not your husband. And even if you don’t believe in waiting til marriage, you’re still giving your body to someone who can end up cheating on you or leaving you.
  12. Pick up some books like “The Wait,” “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” “Sex, Dating and Relationships.”

What are the benefits to taking sex off the table? There are plenty! Personally, I am the happiest and most focused I’ve ever been in my 24 years of life. Instead of worrying about why he didn’t text me back or if I was the best he ever had, I’m worrying about kingdom business. I am the point in my life where I don’t have time for games. I want the next person I am involved with to be my husband. I’m fed up with giving my all to someone and getting my heart broken in return. My body is for my husband only, and I’m going to keep it that way until the day we make that covenant before God. And then literally all of the people I know and have seen wait til marriage have a special anointing and blessing on their marriages. I’m not saying they’re perfect, but the fruit of their hard labor is definitely more evident. One last thing… God is not trying to be mean by telling us not to have sex before marriage. He just knew that if we didn’t wait the consequences could really ruin us (soul ties, unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, etc.)

Finding Myself

Part of becoming a woman is discovering exactly who you are. This is a journey… not necessarily a destination. It takes time. It’s trial and error. It can be a difficult task especially if you didn’t have role models growing up. Thank God I had an amazing example of a woman in my life. My mom showed me the multidimensional view of womanhood. She showed me the great parts about being a woman, and she also gave me an inside view to her uncut, raw, flawed side. I appreciate that because as women a lot of times we feel pressured to have it together 24/7, but issa lie sis. We will miss the mark plenty of times, and that’s just the nature of the job. To me there is strength in every part of a woman. Even in the parts we don’t want anyone to see.

So where am I going with this? I’m going to talk about my own journey of self-discovery. At only 24 I would say that I have a pretty good grasp on who I am. Now I know I just did a post about the struggles of adulting, but if we separate life’s tasks from who I am, I know that I am sure of myself. Like anyone else, I have doubts at moments, but that’s literally like 10 percent of the time. Yes, sometimes I don’t like what I see in the mirror, and yes I doubt myself as a whole, but once those temporary emotions pass, I’m super proud of who I am becoming inside and out. This is extremely important to me because there was a time when I had completely lost who I was. I had absolutely no clue who Jessica was. I had spent so much time in my late teens and early twenties finding my identity through relationships. If I was good enough to be so and so’s girl, then I was amazing, but if he cheated on me, that somehow made me unloveable and less than a woman. I was so screwed up.

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Relationships made me feel great. I loved the “stability” and the companionship. I constantly jumped from relationship to relationship and situationship to situationship thinking that it would somehow complete me. From age 16 to 21, I was wrapped up in the webs of unhealthy relationships, but for me it was a part of my identity. I was a “relationship type” girl. But honey let me tell you that you don’t NEED to be in a relationship. I didn’t understand this until I understood my identity in Christ and my rightful place in the body of Christ. I had to remove myself from romantic relationships for good. At 21, I promised myself and God that I would find myself before I even thought about another relationship. In my opinion, it’s almost impossible to completely find yourself if you’re constantly distracted by a man. A lot of times in relationships women lose themselves because their man’s needs become more important than their own, and then all of a sudden you can’t even recognize who you are anymore and what makes you happy. I’m not saying that relationships are bad. But I am saying that if your identity is wrapped into your relationship and if you don’t know yourself as a woman before bringing someone else into your life, everything can end up being erased.

Throughout the past three years I have really gotten to know myself inside and out. I know the most delightful things about myself and I know the not so good stuff about myself. I know exactly what I will and won’t accept from men (this is key! many people will call you picky for this.) How can you expect to flourish in relationships and you don’t even know yourself or boundaries you have created? The answer is you won’t! You’ll constantly be trampled on and end up bending the rules because you want to satisfy the man in your life.

How did I do it? Simple. I’m dating myself. I’m free from distraction. I journal, talk to God about my desires, pray, and just live life daily to discover new things about myself. I encourage myself with the word of God. I tell myself that I am more than I conquer… that I am made in His image… that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. All of these things help me see the full view of who I am as a woman. God thinks I’m amazing, so I don’t need another man to affirm me.

Announcement: Queens! If you’re looking for a relatable guide to heal from hurtful relationships, I got you! I’m working on a VERY special project right now. I can’t release the details just yet, but you will hear all about it within the next few months!

XO, Jess

Adulting 101

Hey Ladies!

It’s almost the weekend, so I’m super pumped! But let’s talk about the elephant in the room of every millennial… ADULTING. *cue dramatic music* Who knew being an adult could be so challenging?  I surely didn’t. I mean yeah, I knew it wasn’t going to be a cakewalk, but I swear I go through about 100 emotions a day. I know many of you can relate. It’s like you go from being swaddled in a warm, comfortable blanket to being thrown into a pack of wolves. It’s just TEW much at times.

I think my major issues with Adulting are time management and finances. I don’t necessarily struggle with procrastination or anything like that, but most times I have so much on my plate that my head feels like it’s spinning around in circles. I often find myself choosing between two things I really need or want to do. On a normal day I’m choosing between a nap or a workout; and on an extremely busy day I’m out of the house for 12 plus hours. Sometimes I wish I could push a pause button on life, but of course that’s not an option.

Finances, oh finances YOU are the main culprit of adult stress. Money is needed for basically everything you could even think of. Want to move out? You need money. Want to start a business? You need money. Want to take a girls trip? YOU NEED MONEY! Can we catch a break? Geez. It’s quite frustrating especially when you begin to think about the future. I have a desire to get married and have kids like many millennials, but I’d rather not bring children in the world until I’m prepared financially. I’m already thinking about how I’m going to send them to college and I don’t even have a potential husband. It’s madness!

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Your twenties present so many shifts and changes. Most people graduate from college and the next day they’re left to figure out everything on their own. Once you kind of have adulting down, curveballs start to come your way. I’m just ducking and dodging as I go. Thank God I have amazing parents who are there to help if I really need it. But once you leave the nest, it’s so hard to put pride aside and ask for help. I moved out, so I should figure it out without them now. Right? Eh. Not necessarily. But that’s easier said than done.

Along with the external factors of adulting, there’s an internal struggle that also happens. You’re trying to decipher exactly who you are as a woman.  Tons of questions swarm your mind daily like…What kind of woman do I want to be? What will/won’t I accept from people? Do I want to get married and have children? Finding yourself and your true identity can be tricky especially if you have distractions in your life. I had to get rid of mine to start working on the inside. I’ll elaborate in another post.

Adulting can be tough, but here’s how I’m managing to make it. Maybe this could help you too.

  1. Live in the moment. The power of NOW is truly a force to be reckoned with. You don’t know what tomorrow holds or if you’ll even be alive tomorrow, so live in the moment and enjoy the time you have here on earth.
  2. Realize that you don’t have to have it all together. A lot of times I’m a wreck and accepting that has made adulting much easier. You won’t always have it together and you won’t always have the answers, but that’s OK. Humanize yourself.
  3. Stop comparing yourself to others. Now this is the toughest thing you could probably do because social media has stolen the joy of uniqueness. Everyone wants to be the same and have the same journey. Enjoy YOUR journey. All the bumps in the road, the tears, the pain will all be worth it.
  4. Make time for yourself (recoup). It’s important that you’re not on go-mode 24-7. I usually like to take a day to just pamper myself by getting some rest, curling up with a good book, taking a bubble bath, or treating myself to something special.
  5. Plan. Even though our plans often fail, it’s important to write down your goals and plans for the future. If you want to purchase a home or a car, plan out how you will save your money to make those purchases. I have personally made a plan that by age 30, I won’t be working a 9 to 5 job. I will be working for myself full-time.

 

You got this!! Come through adult!

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Scars Left from Verbal/Emotional Abuse

Heavy topic. Yeah, I know. It’s extremely heavy for me because I’m still living with the scars that I got three years ago. But let’s talk about it! Writing is therapy for me so here it goes…

So if you know me personally or have read any of my past blog posts, you are probably aware that my last relationship was pretty toxic and left me with some ugly scars. This post isn’t mean to bash my ex, but simply to share my experiences with women who are struggling.

Let’s rewind about three years to the exact date…lol I was living in Atlanta and embarking on a life journey that I thought would end in romance, wedding bells, and a happily ever after. Boy was I wrong. After some personal issues arose with my then boyfriend, I started seeing a different side of him. There were some red flags before then, but when his behavior changed dramatically all I could see was flashing neon lights saying “Caution.” But did I listen? Of course not. Like a typical 21-year-old who thought she was in love and was going to spend the rest of her life with this man, I decided to stick it out. Why? Because that’s what you do when you love someone right? WRONG.

The verbal abuse started very subtle. So subtle that I kept asking myself if I was tripping. He would throw little jabs here and there. Insult my comprehension skills or intelligence or he would show me other women and tell me why they were beautiful. I took the small punches like a champ. I thought that he was just frustrated and it would blow over, but nope! The more time went on, the meaner he got. Not only was he throwing bigger jabs, but he would also make me feel guilty for stuff HE did. He would flip everything on me and now I’m the one crying and feeling like crap. A master manipulator he was. I remember one time I was leaving the house to go to an Atlanta fashion week event, and as I walked to my car I saw him pulling up from a long day doing landscaping with his father. I stopped and waved and he rolled his window down. Didn’t greet me or anything. All he said was “Why are you dressed like that? You trying to get another n*gga?” So I said “What are you talking about? I told you I’m going to an event with my friend.” He drove off and I got in my car. Why didn’t I just leave that night? I’m not sure but everything happens for a reason.

Fast forward about three days and I found out that he was sexting another woman. It honestly was probably more than one. I never felt secure in that relationship. We spent more time arguing about other females than enjoying each other. He always put other women who were his so called “friends” before me. If they needed something he was there in a hurry, but if I needed something I was a burden. I was sinking into a deep depression and I didn’t even know it until I read my diary from that time. I was unhappy, skinny, thin nails. I wanted to get out but I didn’t know how. I was trying to stick it out because we had already planned out the future. I was going to have all his babies and we were going to have the perfect life. But God had the perfect escape plan for me. Yes it crushed me to the core. I’ve NEVER felt pain like that before and wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I mean who wants to feel betrayed? I did everything for him and he spit it back in my face. However, that needed to happen in order for me to fulfill the destiny God had created me to live out.

After leaving the relationship, I was depressed and suicidal for a few months, but I just kept getting closer and closer to God. I leaned entirely on him during the process. It was my only option. Now it’s three years later and I’m in a whole different space. I’m accomplishing things that I never would have imagined. I’m immensely blessed, but just because I have forgiven my ex, doesn’t mean that the scars still don’t linger. The trauma from not only being cheated on but also being verbally/emotionally abused has caused me to be a different person emotionally. Before, I was super trusting of men, but now I’m a little jaded. Not in a sense of being bitter because I prayed to be delivered from that, but in a sense of being fearful to fully trust and love again. I’m the queen of overthinking, and it’s difficult for me to actually develop feelings for a man now. Almost everyone I meet automatically goes into the “friend zone.” If I catch feelings it’s like I become mute and can’t verbalize it. Sometimes I feel emotionally broken. Like a switch inside has a shortage or something. It’s like when my feelings start to bubble up to the surface, a light starts to flicker and shuts the whole thing down. Anyone in the same boat?

I just think it’s going to take a man that exudes the light of God to tear down those walls and make those scars fully vanish. God loves me like no man ever has and until a man can practice a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love on me, I’m good. Most importantly I desire unconditional love. I watch a show called Married at First Sight and one of the cast members named Sheila said that she’s never been loved unconditionally. She said that it’s always been a conditional type love. The type of love that a man is willing and ready to love you when things are great and easy, but on the days you’re difficult to love, he’s ready to throw in the towel. I’ve always loved the good, bad, and ugly in people, so some reciprocity is what I need in a husband!

What do you desire in your husband? How do you deal with trauma from past relationships? I want to hear your thoughts!

XO, Jess