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After having a conversation with one of my friends over the weekend, I decided to deliver a message to men that I’m sure most sensible women would agree with. When you’re approaching 25, it’s time to stop playing games or at least be honest about the games you’re playing!
- Stop asking for my number if you aren’t really invested. I can’t tell you how many times a man has gone through hell and high water just to get my number and then never contacts me. What’s the point? Stop it. If you’re playing a sick ego game, we don’t appreciate it.
- No, I’m not sending you a pic. Follow me on IG!: Fellas, one of the most annoying things you can do is ask a woman for a picture. Why do you need a photo of me and you don’t even know me? That tired excuse that you need it for my contact pic is not going to cut it. Plus, you can just follow a lady you’re interested in on social media and have a scrolling fiasco.
- Pictures of your genitals are NOT cute! We’re no longer in middle or high school, so please do yourself a favor and stop sending women nudes. Most of us can’t stand it and we automatically put you on the block list.
- No I don’t wanna chill. If you’ve approached a mature woman with class, treat her as such. Actually plan a date instead of asking her to chill. Boys ask to chill. Men plan dates. The date could be a free one like a hike or a stroll around the park. Just think outside the box and take her interests into consideration.
- Paying for dinner does not =sex afterwards. Paying for my dinner does not make you my pimp sir. You chose to take me out, and if you weren’t serious about your intention, maybe you should’ve rethought your decision to take me out. Practice being genuine and stop expecting sex just because you did something that is nice. If you’re still taking women out just so you can guilt trip her into having sex, you are a grown little boy.
- Stop missing out on great women because she doesn’t look like an IG Vixen. Social media has screwed a lot of men up. They now think that every woman should have the build-a-body look, so they overlook great, educated, natural women for the IG vixen who often times is a gold digging woman just looking to be put on.
- You can’t wait to have sex? Nah bruh. A man’s ability to wait on a woman tells a lot about his character. Even if you don’t necessarily believe in waiting until marriage, don’t cross a woman off your list because of it. You could be missing out on a great blessing. Plus, if I’m not important enough to wait for, I don’t want you. Sex is a small percentage in a relationship. It’s not the end all be all.
- Practice reciprocity. The men of today’s society need a serious chin check. Many of you have been spoiled, but it’s time for you guys to grow up. You should not expect your woman to do any and everything for you, but she gets nothing in return. It’s not a game of tit for tat, but it is about being mature and knowing when your woman’s effort needs to be reciprocated. Women give give give and men take take take, and they can’t deal when a woman stops giving because she’s fed up.
- Material things are NOT everything! Unless you’re dealing with a money-hungry woman, she’s not expecting you to keep her decked out in Birkin bags and Loubs; nor is she waiting for you to buy her the latest luxury car. Yes, gifts are nice. But a humble woman who just wants to love you would appreciate your thoughtfulness and time more than a gift that caused you to wipe out your savings. Men often think that we want money and material things and that’s wrong. Most women would appreciate being taken out on a date where you planned out every detail according to her likes and passions. Stop thinking that every woman just wants you for your money or that you can only impress her with that. Of course there are women who are impressed by that, but if you’re looking for a sensible woman, she’s out there.
- Baby Mama Drama Needs to Stop! Men, let’s call a spade a spade. STOP IMPREGNATING THESE WOMEN YOU DO NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH! Most of these “crazy” baby mamas were crazy when you met them but it was cute back then. Own up to your part in it and do better. It’s not cute and most sensible women do not even want to come close if you have baby mama drama. So instead of blaming women for being “crazy” and “jealous” think about what you could’ve done to make her behave in that manner. In most instances, women don’t just randomly become crazy. Perhaps you’re still sleeping with her and now she’s mad that you have a girlfriend. But my advice is to stop being careless. Your choice in women says a lot about you and the amount of baby mamas you have does too. Please do better.
I hope you have been doing well, and I hope you had the chance to purchase my new eBook entitled “How I Got My Crown Back.” If you haven’t, don’t worry. Click here!
In my book, I touch on the topics of today’s blog post, but I want to expand more on it, because in this day and age, relationships seem like a game. People play with the idea of commitment and they are extremely selfish when it comes to meeting the needs of their partner. But, I’m sick of seeing trash relationships play out. It’s exactly what Satan wants. He wants us to be entangled in drama and confusion. I don’t know about y’all, but I want something real and I’m willing to wait for it.
Now I’ve had my share of situationships, so I can totally relate to people in them. I never entered them by choice, but somehow I was lured into this territory because I didn’t want to let go. I was willing to compromise what I really wanted, just so I could still have a piece of the person I didn’t feel was worth letting go. Most of these situationships took place during my college years. We did everything a committed couple would do, but there was no title and no boundaries if I’m going to be honest. I always ended up getting the short end of the stick because I was monogamous in these situations, but of course the guy wasn’t. Time and time again I would find out about all the other girls they were messing with or that they had a secret girlfriend the whole time. I was a mess back then, but unfortunately, so many women are still stuck in this type of relationship. Why? There’s a ton of reasons why, but the most common is that many women do not know their worth and don’t really believe in their morals and values. I say this because most of these women probably want to be in a committed relationship, but end up settling. And if you’re the kind of woman who fears real commitment, a situationship is not going to fulfill you long-term. There’s too many blurred lines and then feelings get involved. You are doing yourself a disservice. If you want a man to commit, don’t settle. Simple as that. But you have to be strong in your conviction. Stop letting these men get away with taking a piece of your heart and body with them when they haven’t made any type of sacrifice to truly pursue you.
Relationships with no Direction
I know I’m going to step on some toes with this one, but lets be real! You have no business being in a relationship with no intention. What’s the purpose? To fill a void or to cure your loneliness? I can’t count the amount of times I have heard people say “I don’t know if I would marry them though.” Huh? So you’re OK with wasting your time? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why go through the gut-wrenching highs and lows with someone, just to break up with them years later? Yes, you might learn a few lessons, but it’s pretty pointless. You could’ve spent that time pursuing your purpose. In my opinion, we’re doing this whole dating and relationship thing totally wrong. Why spend YEARS trying to figure out if a man is going to be your husband, when you can get to know him on many levels in the friendship phase? I also think it’s ridiculous that some people believe that it takes years to figure out if a man is husband material. Honey, if you watch his patterns like Heather and Cornelius Lindsey would say, you can spot the red flags or the fruits of his labor within a few months. It really pains my heart when I see women wandering aimlessly in these relationships. Dating and relationships should mean that there is an end result. It’s intentional. I know some folks don’t want to get married, and I’m not here to judge them. Different strokes for different folks, but I think that there should be a goal to accomplish in the relationship. If not, it just seems pointless. We’ve got to stop dating just to pass the time. It’s OK to sit your boyfriend down and discuss short and long-term goals. If a future together isn’t in the cards, do yourself a favor and leave the relationship. Nobody has time for that go with the flow, non-nonchalant attitude. If a man wants to spend the rest of his life with you, he will make that be known VERY clearly. He want give you the run-around or tell you that you should wait until a certain age. Of course this is situational if there is a plan to finish school or something of the sort, but in all honesty, a man who wants you to be his wife won’t let a timeline stop him.
I want to hear from you. What are your thoughts?
I’ve actually been getting this question a lot lately, so I’ve decided to come up with a list of PRACTICAL things you can do to break the cycle. Let me just say that the church has totally jacked up the conversation of sex. I’m not pointing the finger at every church, but as a whole, we have to do better! This new generation of young people need us more than ever. Even if you don’t believe in God or “organized religion,” these tips can still help you stay on the straight and narrow.
- First you have to make the choice to go through with abstaining from sex. Life is comprised of choices. If you are tired of being distracted by sex, played, lied to, cheated on, or if you want to honor God with your body, you have to choose to take sex off the table and be serious about it.
- Realize that sex is not bad, evil, gross, etc. This is where the church gets it wrong. They tell young people that sex is bad and that they just shouldn’t do it, but what happens when your hormones are telling you to do one thing, but your pastor is telling you another? Most times you fall into temptation. The truth is that sex is not bad or evil. Sex was created by God. However, it was created for marriage because of how powerful it is and the bonds and soul ties it creates. Your sexual desires were put in you by God, not Satan. But Satan will use that to tempt you.
- Create boundaries BEFORE you start dating someone. It’s much easier to live by the boundaries you have put in place if they were created before you fall for someone. If you know that kissing turns you on, don’t kiss. If “chilling” alone will put you in the mood, hang out in public settings. You know your own triggers. Boundaries are great so that you don’t end up making a mistake. Your flesh will be weak. Your flesh wants sex, especially if you know what it feels like.
- Put your focus into other things. Take up a hobby, work on a project, join a new gym, etc. If you are kept busy, you won’t have time to think about sex. Remember an idle mind is a devil’s playground. The times when those strong sexual desires come upon me are usually when I’m just at home chilling.
- Pray, read your Word, meditate, repeat…. This is KEY! Prayer really does help. God will give you strength in those times when you feel weak. Reading your Word is important as well because if you know the scriptures, you can quote them aloud when you are struggling with your purity. If you don’t believe in God, try Yoga and meditation to clear your mind.
- Get accountability. Find a mentor, friend, etc. who is on the same page of purity with you. She can encourage you and be there in those moments when you are about to slip up. This is one of the most important things to do because a lot of times when we don’t have accountability, we feel like no one is watching and we can secretly fall back into our old ways without anyone knowing. LIES! God sees all.
- Stop entertaining fools! Stop calling Tyrone if you know all he wants is the sex. You’re just asking for trouble. Cut off all the guys you were sexually involved with. Block them, unfollow them. Do whatever you have to do to start a clean slate.
- Guard your heart. “Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life.” Proverbs 4:23. For me, guarding my heart is being intentional about what I’m watching and listening to. I can’t listen to songs with sexual innuendos, and I can’t really watch sex scenes in movies/TV shows. I know the kind of mood that puts me in so I try to avoid it. I’m not saying you can’t listen to any music or watch any shows, but just know that all of those things carry spirits.
- Unfollow men that make you struggle. If you’re following men who only post shirtless pics or pics wearing gray sweatpants, stop it right now sis. That lust is probably bubbling over. How can you stay pure physically if your mind is cluttered with sexual fantasies?
- Give up masturbation. Yeah I know tons of y’all won’t like this one, but masturbation stirs up sexual desire. Just because you aren’t having sex with a man, doesn’t mean that you won’t think about it even more because you’re still performing sexual acts. I also don’t condone masturbation because I believe it can cause a wedge between a husband and wife. I would never want to become so pleased with myself that I feel like my husband can do nothing for me or I feel like I have to follow-up after him.
- Yes, oral sex is still sex. Stop telling folks you’re abstinent or celibate but you’re still giving and/or receiving oral sex. You are not pure. Just because you are not being penetrated, doesn’t mean anything. You are still giving your body to someone who is not your husband. And even if you don’t believe in waiting til marriage, you’re still giving your body to someone who can end up cheating on you or leaving you.
- Pick up some books like “The Wait,” “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” “Sex, Dating and Relationships.”
What are the benefits to taking sex off the table? There are plenty! Personally, I am the happiest and most focused I’ve ever been in my 24 years of life. Instead of worrying about why he didn’t text me back or if I was the best he ever had, I’m worrying about kingdom business. I am the point in my life where I don’t have time for games. I want the next person I am involved with to be my husband. I’m fed up with giving my all to someone and getting my heart broken in return. My body is for my husband only, and I’m going to keep it that way until the day we make that covenant before God. And then literally all of the people I know and have seen wait til marriage have a special anointing and blessing on their marriages. I’m not saying they’re perfect, but the fruit of their hard labor is definitely more evident. One last thing… God is not trying to be mean by telling us not to have sex before marriage. He just knew that if we didn’t wait the consequences could really ruin us (soul ties, unplanned pregnancies, STD’s, etc.)