A Message From a Sensible Woman

Hey Queens!

After having a conversation with one of my friends over the weekend, I decided to deliver a message to men that I’m sure most sensible women would agree with. When you’re approaching 25, it’s time to stop playing games or at least be honest about the games you’re playing!

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  1. Stop asking for my number if you aren’t really invested. I can’t tell you how many times a man has gone through hell and high water just to get my number and then never contacts me. What’s the point? Stop it. If you’re playing a sick ego game, we don’t appreciate it.
  2. No, I’m not sending you a pic. Follow me on IG!: Fellas, one of the most annoying things you can do is ask a woman for a picture. Why do you need a photo of me and you don’t even know me? That tired excuse that you need it for my contact pic is not going to cut it. Plus, you can just follow a lady you’re interested in on social media and have a scrolling fiasco.
  3. Pictures of your genitals are NOT cute! We’re no longer in middle or high school, so please do yourself a favor and stop sending women nudes. Most of us can’t stand it and we automatically put you on the block list.
  4. No I don’t wanna chill. If you’ve approached a mature woman with class, treat her as such. Actually plan a date instead of asking her to chill. Boys ask to chill. Men plan dates. The date could be a free one like a hike or a stroll around the park. Just think outside the box and take her interests into consideration.
  5. Paying for dinner does not =sex afterwards. Paying for my dinner does not make you my pimp sir. You chose to take me out, and if you weren’t serious about your intention, maybe you should’ve rethought your decision to take me out. Practice being genuine and stop expecting sex just because you did something that is nice. If you’re still taking women out just so you can guilt trip her into having sex, you are a grown little boy.
  6. Stop missing out on great women because she doesn’t look like an IG Vixen. Social media has screwed a lot of men up. They now think that every woman should have the build-a-body look, so they overlook great, educated, natural women for the IG vixen who often times is a gold digging woman just looking to be put on.
  7. You can’t wait to have sex? Nah bruh. A man’s ability to wait on a woman tells a lot about his character. Even if you don’t necessarily believe in waiting until marriage, don’t cross a woman off your list because of it. You could be missing out on a great blessing. Plus, if I’m not important enough to wait for, I don’t want you. Sex is a small percentage in a relationship. It’s not the end all be all.
  8. Practice reciprocity. The men of today’s society need a serious chin check. Many of you have been spoiled, but it’s time for you guys to grow up. You should not expect your woman to do any and everything for you, but she gets nothing in return. It’s not a game of tit for tat, but it is about being mature and knowing when your woman’s effort needs to be reciprocated. Women give give give and men take take take, and they can’t deal when a woman stops giving because she’s fed up.
  9. Material things are NOT everything! Unless you’re dealing with a money-hungry woman, she’s not expecting you to keep her decked out in Birkin bags and Loubs; nor is she waiting for you to buy her the latest luxury car. Yes, gifts are nice. But a humble woman who just wants to love you would appreciate your thoughtfulness and time more than a gift that caused you to wipe out your savings. Men often think that we want money and material things and that’s wrong. Most women would appreciate being taken out on a date where you planned out every detail according to her likes and passions. Stop thinking that every woman just wants you for your money or that you can only impress her with that. Of course there are women who are impressed by that, but if you’re looking for a sensible woman, she’s out there.
  10. Baby Mama Drama Needs to Stop! Men, let’s call a spade a spade. STOP IMPREGNATING THESE WOMEN YOU DO NOT SEE A FUTURE WITH! Most of these “crazy” baby mamas were crazy when you met them but it was cute back then. Own up to your part in it and do better. It’s not cute and most sensible women do not even want to come close if you have baby mama drama. So instead of blaming women for being “crazy” and “jealous” think about what you could’ve done to make her behave in that manner. In most instances, women don’t just randomly become crazy. Perhaps you’re still sleeping with her and now she’s mad that you have a girlfriend. But my advice is to stop being careless. Your choice in women says a lot about you and the amount of baby mamas you have does too. Please do better.

 

A Response to “I Prefer Dating Outside My Race”

As I began to think about the topic of today’s blog post, I knew that it would come with a lot of controversy and disagreement from men and maybe even women too, but this is simply my opinion.  Please do not take offense to this blog post, but read this with an open mind.

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Interracial dating and marriage has been the topic of discussion for many years now, but it has grown significantly in popularity over the past five years or so, because more and more people are dating outside of their race/ethnic group/nationality. I think it’s a beautiful thing that love in a sense can conquer all. To me, love has no color, so that’s not the problem. The problem is when men (specifically black men) turn away from black women, and begin to exclusively date women who are not black because of stereotypes that have been in place since the social construct of “race” was born. In my opinion, this self-hate has often times been disguised as “preference.” The excuse most black men use when they only date women outside of their race is that it’s just their preference so it shouldn’t be a big deal. My question is, where does that preference come from and why are all black women placed into the box of “not preferred?”

It shouldn’t be ignored that preference has a lot to do with subconscious thoughts, attitudes, and ideas that have been ingrained in us. Yes, you too! We all have certain biases about different types of people, and even if we don’t think it effects the way are attracted to people, it does. As a black woman, I have my own attitudes about black men even though I love black men. Some of it is based on experience, but some of it is based on what the media feeds us and what society has sort of brainwashed us to think and believe about our own beautiful, black men. I can admit that, but it seems like a lot of black men still have not acknowledged that the same is true for them. Let’s talk about it!

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Photo courtesy of Pinterest.com

In my opinion, preference gives off the vibe that all people outside of that box or label are simply just not attractive to you. This is the reason why so many black women take offense when black men say they prefer to date non-black women. It’s like a slap in the face. It’s like being dismissed before being seen. We feel like black men are supposed to protect us from a world that already makes us feel inferior. But the crazy thing is that even though many black women have their own negative connotations of black men, majority of us still love black men and only date black men. It’s like an undying loyalty, but it’s one-sided. I mean think about it… how often do you  hear female rappers or singers talk about dating foreign men or bragging about a white man like he’s the most prized possession? I don’t think I’ve ever heard that, but it’s a different story for black men in the music industry. It’s like a black woman is basic and boring in 2017. She’s not as exciting as the foreign women who may or may not have fake bodies that resemble the bodies that many black women naturally have.

To make things worse, the pool of black men is so shallow that you can walk, skip and jump in it. A black man is either incarcerated, gay, married, or simply not checking for black women. So what does that leave us with? Maybe a handful of potential suitors for millions of black women? And that undying loyalty I mentioned earlier is real. It’s like no matter how much black men may reject us, we still have hope that we’ll find an amazing black man; while a lot black men don’t operate with the same loyalty, although their moms, sisters, aunties and cousins are black women.

So what’s the solution? I don’t have the answers Sway! But I will say that it would be great if black men who prefer other women would recognize that they do for a reason and fight for us even if they happen to be dating or married to a woman who is not black. The younger generation of men need to see and hear that black women are beautiful and desirable, no matter how much we seem to be devalued.  As for black women I would say, continue to support our black kings, but don’t beg for their validation! If a man who is not black will love you the way you need to be loved, go for it!

XO, Jess

Seasonal Friendships

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned in my 24 years on this Earth is that friendship is seasonal. It’s just a fact that we must all accept. As sad as it may seem, there are just some people who will not be in our lives for a lifetime, and that’s OK.

Personally, I am blessed to have some of the most amazing friends. I have friends that I talk to daily, and friends that I only speak to every few months, but when we catch up, it’s like we just spoke the day before. I also have friends that I’ve only known for a few years, and they’re just as trustworthy as the friends I have known since middle or high school. And of course there are some people who were my friends that are no longer my friends now. At first I took it very personally. Yeah I was that girl who would be all in my feelings like, ” How dare you walk out of my life and we’ve been homegirls since age 12!” But then I realized that all friends do not last a lifetime. Some people are just there for a season, and then it is meant for you two to move apart. A tough pill to swallow, but once I stopped making it about ME, I was able to grasp the concept.

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I had to stop playing the blame game and just accept it for what it was. Obviously, this person was in my life for a reason and their friendship taught me a lesson about myself and others. Just like romantic relationships, friendships can teach you what you will and won’t accept from people, and they can also teach you how much influence certain people have in your life. Maturity also plays a huge part in friendships because as you become older, you realize that some arguments might’ve been petty and that you could’ve handled situations in a better way. But that’s all a part of life. We live and we learn. Yes, maybe you aren’t friends with someone over a huge misunderstanding, but just accept it. I’m a believer in that everything happens for a reason, so if they were truly meant to remain in your life for more than a season, you would still be friends with them. Don’t waste your time thinking about the shoulda, coulda, woulda, and just know that their season is up in your life.

Friendships can also be seasonal by choice. Say you stopped drinking and going to the club and your best friend is still heavily involved in that lifestyle, and doesn’t understand or respect your choice to turn over a new leaf. You could chose to end the friendship because of the detriment it may be in your life. I’m not saying to judge them and to make them feel guilty about the way they’re living, but if the friendship is no longer conducive to your life, do not feel bad about ending it. It’s all about what you can handle and what you personally think could influence you to fall back into your old ways. For me, it’s pretty easy to remain friends with people live differently than I do because I have a strong will and I’m not easily influenced. If I don’t want to do something, then I simply don’t do it. So if you’re like me, don’t just go around cutting everyone off because you’ve made a lifestyle change. Just let them know that you’re trying to change and connect with them on a different level. If they don’t want to be friends with you because you’re evolving then that’s fine. Don’t beg anyone for friendship.

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Look at each friendship as a blessing from God. You can’t tell me that you have not learned at least one thing from a friendship that has ended, so cherish the friends you do have now because you never know when their time may be up!

XO, Jess

Single and Frustrated?

Hey Beautiful,

Now I know if you’re single and you read the title of this post, there’s probably an 80% you said “Yuuuuuuppppp!” I mean we’ve all been there even if we’ve made it to a point of contentment. It’s like an emotional roller coaster. One week we’re totally filled up by God and shouting that Casey J song from the rooftops, and the next, that “lonely” spirit tries to creep in while we watch romantic comedies on Netflix. Sure, we’ve all had moments of doubts and blatant insecurity, so don’t feel bad. It’s normal. We’re human and sometimes our emotions can become so amplified that we can’t see or hear past our own thoughts.

I can definitely relate to the struggle! I’m 24 and SUPER single (like my phone has been Sahara Desert dry for the past 2 years single). Not to mention that more than half of my friends are in relationships. And all I see on social media are countless engagements, beautiful weddings, and new family additions that give me baby fever. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy for my peers, but to keep it real, every once and awhile I get frustrated. Then to top it off, the devil has a way of kicking me when I’m down. He tries to tell me lies and discourage me. I know you’ve heard those subconscious thoughts and questions like “What if I never get married?” “You’re going to be single for the rest of your life.” “He would never take you seriously,” etc. And when I add in the “lack” of men that actually would respect my purity and chase after God with me, I’m ready to throw my hands up and be like

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For me, this frustration has gotten so much better as I have grown in contentment with my singleness, but it does still raise it’s ugly head if I’m not prayed up. So how do I push through the frustration? I simply lean on God. I am reminded everyday of God’s love when I talk to him. I feel his embrace, but I know some people don’t feel that way. I suggest that you pray to feel his love and comfort. It works, trust me! Get into your Word so that you’re spiritually fed and encouraged, but most importantly know that singleness is not a curse! God is not punishing you in this season. He’s actually sculpting and molding you so that you are prepared for that marriage. Don’t ever get weary in waiting. Go to work! Work on yourself, your goals, and your relationship with God. Don’t sit around waiting and doing nothing. Get what you have to get done while you’re waiting on God to write your love story. Also remember that there is a difference between being alone and lonely. Which one are you? Do you NEED a man to make you feel comforted and better about life, or are you simply waiting and working alone until your single season is complete? Think about it.

Xo, Jess

The Age of Non-Commitment, Commitment

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Hey Queens,

I’m back with a special Talk That Talk Thursday blog post that will be dropping on Thanksgiving! Yeah, ya girl felt in the giving spirit so let’s get into it!

We millennials live in the age of non-commitment, commitment and we seem to be perfectly fine with it. Now, I’ve never been a fan of it, but always seemed to end up in situations that perfectly reflected everything that says it’s commitment, but really isn’t. So what do I mean by this? I mean that millennials entertain the IDEA of commitment, but don’t want to get their feet all the way wet in the commitment pool. Millennials will put one foot in the commitment pool, but won’t dare to let both feet soak. Why? My guess is that rejecting commitment is being more widely accepted. The rise of situationships, relationships without titles, friends with benefits etc., have caused my generation to feel like there is no rush on commitment. Basically, you can have your cake and eat it too and the other person involved is supposed to completely understand and agree with it.

In my blog post last week, I talked about the double standard of cheating and this ties into non-commitment, commitment because women will stay with a man for 10 years, have three children by him, and still not be married to him. In most of these cases, their men have cheated on them multiple times, obviously because the “commitment” didn’t mean much to them. So what’s my point? My point is that in my opinion there should be a clear distinction between commitment and non-commitment. There shouldn’t be a gray area of what exactly commitment is. You’re either committed or you’re not; meaning that if you’re not in a relationship with someone, then it wouldn’t be smart to act like you’re in a relationship. One or both people involved will definitely become confused about what’s going on. Need more clarity? Stop going to meet his mama and auntie, cooking for him, buying him gifts, driving him to work, etc. if he can’t even tell you what’s going on between you two. If a man truly wants to commit and is serious about it, he’ll take the relationship to the next level without you having to beg or have “the talk.”

And Queens we’ve got to stop giving out all the goods BEFORE we get commitment. I know we’re all guilty of doing too much before we know where we stand with a guy, but as I get older, I realize that a man doesn’t deserve husband benefits until he’s actually my husband. Marriage is true commitment. When he can step up to the plate and accept the duty of doing life WITH you for the rest of your lives, that’s when you know its’s real. There’s nothing wrong with being a supportive girlfriend, but in my opinion many things should be reserved for your husband.

Don’t want to  join the non-committed, committed age? Here are a few tips! You might side eye me, but it’s the truth.

  1. Stop calling him “hubby,” “husband,”etc. if you aren’t married to him. Girl, you’re just setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt. You’ll have plenty of time to call him your husband when he actually is.
  2. Don’t move in with him before marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know plenty of you will disagree, but I say this not only for spiritual reasons, but also from a sociological standpoint. Cohabiting before marriage actually increases the chance of you not making it to the altar because your man will feel less pressure to pop the question, or plan the wedding if you’re already engaged. And if you’re practicing celibacy of course this isn’t a good idea. I mean who can resist a man walking around in gray sweatpants all the time?! Don’t set yourself up.
  3. Don’t be impressed by an engagement ring. Yes, of course you’re allowed to be ecstatic about him proposing, but don’t allow the ring to put the relationship in neutral. When he proposes he should be ready for marriage. He shouldn’t still  be trying to figure it out, so do not accept a five-year engagement with absolutely no wedding plans. Chances are he just gave you a ring to shut you up.
  4. If your relationship hasn’t moved forward, leave! Don’t be the woman that settles. If you want to take the relationship to the next level and he doesn’t, it’s OK to leave. There’s no way you should still be asking where you stand with someone or if you’re his girlfriend if you’ve been with him for years. Move on girl. He’s not ready.
  5. Stop believing that there’s a specific time frame to pursue marriage. I just began to understand this one. I remember I would judge people so hard that got married after only a year of dating, but now I get that there is no time frame that fits every single couple. I will say that it doesn’t take 10 years to figure out if you want to marry someone. Now depending on your age, you might be more pre-cautious, but honestly I don’t think you need more than a year or two to realize that marriage is what you want. And no, I’m not crazy! Think about it like this… even if you are in a relationship with someone for 5-10 years, you still don’t know every single thing about them. Therefore, getting married after a year means that you will learn them even more through marriage and grow with them.